Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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