She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
