Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
