The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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