I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I need to stop coming to work sober
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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