omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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