I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
