I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
