I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
