Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
did i just pee glitter
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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