Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
