Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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