I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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