I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
