We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
