you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
