She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my shit smells like andre
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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