Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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