i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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