At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
