I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize