I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
