i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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