Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
