there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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