I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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