Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
