im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
