Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
