why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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