I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize