Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(518): View more from New York

everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home

(919): View more from North Carolina

She shouldn't drink

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(423): View more from Tennessee

In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.

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(310): View more from California

One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.

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(624): View more from

Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....

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