Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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