my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
