He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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