Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize