70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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