I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
