dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
