Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
