he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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