it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
