I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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