Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
