Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
