i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
