Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
