How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize