I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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