and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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