I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
