I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
