New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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