If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
