he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
