I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
