So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Couch. On fire.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
